• 125g butter
  • 330g castor sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 150g plain flour
  • 150g self raising flour
  • 75g bournville cocoa
  • 125ml water
  • 250ml milk

How to put on 7 pounds in a day: Chocolate Dessert Cake

It may take you a few days to fully digest a slice of this cake, but the great news is that you’ll see the weight rolling on immediately. I can’t tell you how satisfying it is to see your stomach expanding by several inches a day by eating such relatively small quantities of cake. It’s so efficient.

Oh hang on, I was obese already. Mistake! Jess and I will be making a light green salad next week…

How we did it:

  • If you’re wearing a belt at this point, best to loosen it a little for what you may be about to consume.
  • Grease a deep 20-25cm round cake pan and cover the base with baking powder.
  • Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix with an electric mixer – beat on a low speed until all ingredients are combined. Just checking – have you loosened that belt?
  • Then go up to a medium speed and beat the mixture until it’s smooth and pour it into the prepared pan.
  • Bake on a moderate oven for about 1.25 hours (all ovens are moderate if you speak to them nicely).
  • Remove and stand for 5 minutes before turning onto a rack to cool.
  • Do some press-ups and go for a 5 mile run to justify your forthcoming intake of calories.
  • Top with a chocolate glaze if desired.

What we thought of it:

Eat it. Then go to the sofa and sleep. If you make any noises blame it on the dog. It’s that good.